YOUR MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE THIS CRISIS…AND THRIVE THEREAFTER!

How has the COVID-19 crisis affected your marriage?

• Perhaps you are used to spending most of the day away from each other. Now you are forced to be in the same space together for extended hours.

• You could be a parent who is used to working without your children around you (in or outside the home). You are going batty now—you need to keep them occupied, help them with schoolwork, on top of all the housework that cannot be ignored. You’re rapidly running out of wholesome ideas to entertain them.

• Or you may be a husband and wife who are used to working together splendidly in your own business. Now that you have been forced to shut down your business temporarily, you are discovering that you are not getting along all that well anymore outside the business/office setting.

• Or you may be a retired couple finding your regular routines disrupted. You can’t go out and spend time with your own friends. Your family can’t come and see you the way they used to. You are used to having your own time, pursuing your own interests. Now, you feel like your private space is being invaded by your spouse. You’re fighting back. Or at least turning into snapping turtles. Your normal coping mechanisms are not working. Tempers are growing short. Nerves are frayed. Patience is wearing thin. Fatigue settles in.

If this lockdown lasts much longer, you’re not sure your marriage will survive the stress of it all.

The crisis seems to be causing a crack in the marriage.

Or is it?

Several years ago, our son reported that the carpet in his basement bedroom was

soaking wet. A handyman friend noticed that a portion of the drywall directly above it

was just as wet and cut it out.

Now the real culprit was exposed…a small crack in the concrete wall behind the

drywall.

The water coming into the house did not cause the crack. It merely exposed the crack

that was already there.

CRISES EXPOSE HIDDEN CRACKS…be it in a basement wall or in a marriage.

You could look at it as a major source of inconvenience that irritation, get angry and upset,

even paralyzed into inaction.

Or you could view it as a golden opportunity to explore the factors responsible for the crack

to appear in the first place and fix the problem.

We began by asking the most basic question of them all:

How was this crack caused?

• It could’ve been due to poor workmanship when the concrete was poured 50 plus years back.

• It could’ve been from vibrations produced by the intense sandblasting that happened at a nearby worksite.

• It could’ve been because of the foundation shifting and causing separation between the cinder blocks.

Not even our expert contractor could say for sure.

One thing was for sure, though. It was not likely an overnight occurrence. It was not

caused by someone taking a sledgehammer to the outside wall.

It was something that happened over time, unbeknownst to us, hidden from

sight…until now.

Do you realize that the same is true of the cracks that are showing up in your marriage?

Seldom is it caused by one cataclysmic event, such as an affair.

It is often a series of events…

• compounded incidents of negligence,

• communication that had been deteriorating for years,

• unchecked addictions that had turned into strongholds through repetition,

• unresolved conflicts that kept on piling up,

• stresses that had built up,

• verbal assaults that struck blow upon blow on the heart,

• unhealthy patterns that became entrenched,

….and the list goes on and on.

Much of the damage was gradual and cumulative. Often it was hidden, ignored or tolerated

by one or both spouses.

The crack almost always begins as a hairline fracture. Not even noticeable.

And even when you notice it, you are tempted to resort to quick fixes.

Our neighbour told us that a former owner of our house had indeed noticed a crack in

the basement and covered it up with tar from the inside.

The quick fix obviously worked…for a season. But it was not a permanent solution.

It finally caught up with a subsequent owner (lucky us!)

Married couples are known for doing this as well.

• One person reads a book that teaches you how to communicate better. You make a couple of changes here and there in the way you talk to each other. Works for a short while, but does not last.

• You may both attend a conference…go to a weekend retreat…yes, you learn some things. Yes, you’re motivated by the speakers. In the excitement of the moment, you commit to making some changes. But you can’t keep up the momentum after you get back home.

• You may even go for a couple of counselling sessions. Worse, only one of you goes for counselling. The other party refuses “because I don’t need it!” What you learn maintains the peace for a season…then back to war you go.

• You learn to control emotions through behaviour modification (e.g. anger management). Works well, as long as you remember to act quickly. Unfortunately, often the damage is done before you realize that you forgot to exercise self-control L

You could end up spending a lot of money and wasting a lot of time only to discover that

short-term fixes do not produce long-term results.

We needed to make sure that the crack was fixed right away and would never pose a

problem ever again. Here are the four key steps we took to ensure permanent results.

#1. Prevent additional water damage by filling the crack with tar and specialized foam

on the inside and the outside.

#2. Protect the house from water seeping into the concrete wall by wrapping it with a

rubbery layer of Oxford Wrap. This called for an expensive excavation around the

perimeter of the house, all the way down to the footings. That’s when we discovered

that the weeping tiles of clay had been disintegrating and had to be replaced with

plastic tubes as well.

#3. Remove the water that was continually collecting around the house through an

electric sump pump.

#4. Install a back-up battery-powered pump and a water-powered pump, in case there

was a power outage.

Ten years later, we’ve had no problems whatsoever.

Ditto for your marriage.

To receive a set of concrete steps you can take for your marriage to survive this crisis and thrive thereafter, simply go to www.thesams.ca and download the free resource we’ve put together for you.

Blog Post Written By Marriage Mentors Jeeva & Sulojana Sam

www.thesams.ca